Why?!

Yesterday (Wednesday), hubby told me that they were in fact coming home that night and not staying the rest of the week out of town. Most women, with four children at home, who have been on their own since  Monday morning at 5am, would rejoice. Jump for joy. Shout from the mountain tops that their hubby would be home...aka...someone to help them get to bed tonight...the battle will not be four against one, but four against TWO and nearly an equal and fair fight!!

Not this mom. This mom seen that I hadn't had time to vacuum the whole house yet, the floors weren't swept, both bathrooms needed to be deep cleaned, I was a MESS. It was nearly 1pm and there was so much do to still. I broke down, got the 40$ I had made selling my baby's newborn and 0-3M clothing (which killed me to do by the way) and started a search for someone to come help me clean the house.

I found someone, lovely lady. Her first name is Melissa, I won't give her last name away. Kind eyes. Soft voice. The kind of lady who you know cherishes her loved ones, just by saying "hello". That woman CLEANED. She even reorganized. She made my dining room more functionable. She was well worth every cent for her services.

Hubby got home finally, just as I was finishing up supper for him (brown rice, corn and steak). He walked in but didn't really comment on how clean the house was. He asked me how much I spent. Who the hell cares? It was money we won't miss because we wouldn't have normally had it. I needed it...I needed help. I was honestly hoping he would come home and be happy...instead he was indifferent. It figures though, men don't get it. It took so much for me to seek help...the house wasn't even bad...it just needed some deep cleaning. My house is always tidy.

Although I am still a bit upset at hubby's reaction (I wasn't hoping for him to come home and be all smiles and "wow"ed...but...come on), I realize something.

Who cares how messy the house was when he got home? If he thought it was a mess, he could easily help clean it up. It wasn't late when he got in (615pm).

Then I get it...I was seeking approval and compliments on a good job...because of my stupid post partum depression. I was seeking attention when I felt I desperately needed it from being drained over the course of three days as a mom on her own with her four children.

The satisfaction of a clean house was no longer enough for me, as it used to be. I used to marvel in a clean house, freshly washed floors with the calming scent of an all purpose cleaner that I knew I spent too much money on (That Mr Clean stuff...the lavender one...sometimes I feel like that bottle is my mistress...).

After all of this...I've decided that once a month, I will do this again. Next time I will bring the kids to the park, leave her here to do her thing, and come home to a clean house. No one ever tells you how precious a very clean house is after you have children...a clean house isn't for when people come over, to impress someone else, it is for your own mental health when you have children.

This is what I will remember the next time I feel like I just need the help. That is isn't for anyone else, it is for me and if I don't get the "atta boy" it's okay. It's for me. And that's okay!!

Pilot

As part of my post partum journey, I was diagnosed with PPD, or, post partum depression. Along with any form of depression or other temporary brain disorder, I was told that I should keep a journal. Follow my own progress. Not be afraid to show others that I am struggling, so that they know that I am not myself, that I may need help...and that I am not invincible.

To my children, I AM invincible, and having post partum depression has taken so many tolls to me, both physically and emotionally, but I think for ME the worst part is feeling like less of a MOTHER. If I were not a mother, I would not know who I am. I could stop working, I could move to another country, but the one thing that will always remain the SAME...is that I am a MOTHER.

As my blog name states, I have four children, Alexandra (Lexi), Gabriel (Gabey), Evan and Willow. This is considered a big family these days, especially since where we live, jobs are scarce and difficult to obtain, and home simply are not made to hold that many children any more.

I was married once, and am now in a long term relationship with the only other man I have been with was an adult. My first marriage lasted over 7 years, and my first three children are a result of my first marriage. I left him because I couldn't handle his affairs, and looking at him was the exact same thing as watching him and them together. Over time, one would assume you would feel the scars fade from such a betrayal. Instead, they became infected, and I became resentful and angry, even if it wasn't outwardly projected. I eventually found myself hoping he would just lie to me, and go out and leave me alone...hoping that he would have to "work late" more often so that I wouldn't have to face our marriage. After a few months of going back and forth about it, I decided I was too young to be so incredibly miserable, especially for a man who had multiple affairs knowing full well that I was more loyal than any dog you could ever own.

I have been in my second marriage (although, not married) for two and a half years. We have our bumps, but I can honestly say even when times were very tough...my love, devotion and overall gratitude for this man being in my life has never once faltered. Knowing, without a doubt, that he has felt the same way, makes every day amazing. Although he isn't good with words, or really, emotions in general, he has been trying to help me fight my post partum depression ever since we found out about 6wks ago.

Helping yourself when you are depressed is not an easy task and it brings you down to where you truly do feel like you're doing EVERYTHING wrong. No matter how happy your children are, no matter how many times your partner reassures you that you are AMAZING in every way...the mind plays tricks. You have no control over your own emotions whatsoever. You find yourself doubting yourself with every decision. Your baby looks at your with love in her eyes, and you feel like for some reason, you are failing her for not being able to be happy. I'm not saying that I don't WANT to be happy...I have the INABILITY to be happy.

So this is me helping me, to help my children, get their mom back.