As part of my post partum journey, I was diagnosed with PPD, or, post partum depression. Along with any form of depression or other temporary brain disorder, I was told that I should keep a journal. Follow my own progress. Not be afraid to show others that I am struggling, so that they know that I am not myself, that I may need help...and that I am not invincible.
To my children, I AM invincible, and having post partum depression has taken so many tolls to me, both physically and emotionally, but I think for ME the worst part is feeling like less of a MOTHER. If I were not a mother, I would not know who I am. I could stop working, I could move to another country, but the one thing that will always remain the SAME...is that I am a MOTHER.
As my blog name states, I have four children, Alexandra (Lexi), Gabriel (Gabey), Evan and Willow. This is considered a big family these days, especially since where we live, jobs are scarce and difficult to obtain, and home simply are not made to hold that many children any more.
I was married once, and am now in a long term relationship with the only other man I have been with was an adult. My first marriage lasted over 7 years, and my first three children are a result of my first marriage. I left him because I couldn't handle his affairs, and looking at him was the exact same thing as watching him and them together. Over time, one would assume you would feel the scars fade from such a betrayal. Instead, they became infected, and I became resentful and angry, even if it wasn't outwardly projected. I eventually found myself hoping he would just lie to me, and go out and leave me alone...hoping that he would have to "work late" more often so that I wouldn't have to face our marriage. After a few months of going back and forth about it, I decided I was too young to be so incredibly miserable, especially for a man who had multiple affairs knowing full well that I was more loyal than any dog you could ever own.
I have been in my second marriage (although, not married) for two and a half years. We have our bumps, but I can honestly say even when times were very tough...my love, devotion and overall gratitude for this man being in my life has never once faltered. Knowing, without a doubt, that he has felt the same way, makes every day amazing. Although he isn't good with words, or really, emotions in general, he has been trying to help me fight my post partum depression ever since we found out about 6wks ago.
Helping yourself when you are depressed is not an easy task and it brings you down to where you truly do feel like you're doing EVERYTHING wrong. No matter how happy your children are, no matter how many times your partner reassures you that you are AMAZING in every way...the mind plays tricks. You have no control over your own emotions whatsoever. You find yourself doubting yourself with every decision. Your baby looks at your with love in her eyes, and you feel like for some reason, you are failing her for not being able to be happy. I'm not saying that I don't WANT to be happy...I have the INABILITY to be happy.
So this is me helping me, to help my children, get their mom back.
To my children, I AM invincible, and having post partum depression has taken so many tolls to me, both physically and emotionally, but I think for ME the worst part is feeling like less of a MOTHER. If I were not a mother, I would not know who I am. I could stop working, I could move to another country, but the one thing that will always remain the SAME...is that I am a MOTHER.
As my blog name states, I have four children, Alexandra (Lexi), Gabriel (Gabey), Evan and Willow. This is considered a big family these days, especially since where we live, jobs are scarce and difficult to obtain, and home simply are not made to hold that many children any more.
I was married once, and am now in a long term relationship with the only other man I have been with was an adult. My first marriage lasted over 7 years, and my first three children are a result of my first marriage. I left him because I couldn't handle his affairs, and looking at him was the exact same thing as watching him and them together. Over time, one would assume you would feel the scars fade from such a betrayal. Instead, they became infected, and I became resentful and angry, even if it wasn't outwardly projected. I eventually found myself hoping he would just lie to me, and go out and leave me alone...hoping that he would have to "work late" more often so that I wouldn't have to face our marriage. After a few months of going back and forth about it, I decided I was too young to be so incredibly miserable, especially for a man who had multiple affairs knowing full well that I was more loyal than any dog you could ever own.
I have been in my second marriage (although, not married) for two and a half years. We have our bumps, but I can honestly say even when times were very tough...my love, devotion and overall gratitude for this man being in my life has never once faltered. Knowing, without a doubt, that he has felt the same way, makes every day amazing. Although he isn't good with words, or really, emotions in general, he has been trying to help me fight my post partum depression ever since we found out about 6wks ago.
Helping yourself when you are depressed is not an easy task and it brings you down to where you truly do feel like you're doing EVERYTHING wrong. No matter how happy your children are, no matter how many times your partner reassures you that you are AMAZING in every way...the mind plays tricks. You have no control over your own emotions whatsoever. You find yourself doubting yourself with every decision. Your baby looks at your with love in her eyes, and you feel like for some reason, you are failing her for not being able to be happy. I'm not saying that I don't WANT to be happy...I have the INABILITY to be happy.
So this is me helping me, to help my children, get their mom back.
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